Field of Science

Trees killed over football

An Alabama fan upset over Auburn's win in a football game admited poisoning two 130 year old live oaks that Auburn fans like to TP whenever their team wins. What kind of deranged maniac takes revenge on trees over the outcome of college sports? They're trees; they don't know and don't care about what happened. But they're not just trees, they're 130 year old trees, and you can't just replace them. That'll take at least 100 years. This colassal jerk should be punished by never being allowed to see, listen to, or read about sports since clearly he is a menace when he does. This is one of those times when maybe the Phactor could live with throwing him to a mob of Auburn fans, after they been tailgating all day. In the spirit of plant myth busters, and letting the punishment fit the crime, maybe this fellow could be staked out over a bed of fast growing bamboo to see if the shoots really can skewer him? What else might we try?
35 years ago Christopher Stone argued that trees and other natural objects should have standing, a legal right to exist. While supposedly about football, this is actually a crime against nature. Trees of this age and stature definitely have a right to exist, and this applies to idiots who want to destroy some big tree so as to build a Walgreens or 7-11 or what not. One of the great curmudgeons among my colleagues, now deceased, refused to shop in a big box store, or any of its clones elsewhere, because it was built upon what had been a horse pasture that he liked. They have no respect, he said. And that's the point here; you have to respect big old trees. So you don't just kill them if they happen to be a bit inconvenient, like the shingle oak in the center of our driveway that you literally had to drive around to get into one side of our garage.

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