The Catholic Church needs a new pope. When scanning the Catholic world for the right sort of person, the right sort of mentality, one particular name stands out from all the rest: Antonin Scalia. There are a lot of reasons this just makes good sense. First, he has the right name. Second, he has the right look. See how good he looks with red curtains behind him! Three, he likes robes (just add a bit of red to his current costume and you’ve got it. Fourth, he likes to pontificate. Fifth, he’s never wrong. Sixth, in terms of doctrine, he’s consistently conservative, a good quality for a pope, except when he isn’t, which is anytime the citizens of the USA, their laws, the constitution, or the president disagrees with him (see the fourth and fifth reason above). Seventh, with respect to scripture he’s sure to be a strict originalist (stonings shall return; the Earth is flat, except when he isn’t (see previous reason). Eighth, his appointment as pope would sure solve a lot of problems for the legal system in the USA and might reverse the decline of The Church in North America (Nah!). Nineth, an obvious papal name for Scalia exists; can he be named anything other than Pope Justus of Alexandria (VA) II? Sounds ready made for him. Tenth, this is probably the only job he’d rather have than the one he has now. Eleventy, his concerns for minorities and the downtrodden are legendary, except for helping them vote. Eleventy-oneth, Scalia already thinks he’s pope. Let’s all give thanks! Let the white smoke rise up the chimney!
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