Someone had a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad week

Someone had a horrible, terrible, no-good very bad week, and it wasn't TPP. Oh, this was a depressing, disappointing week what with the unrelenting crappy weather and all, and bad weather can make you a bit crabby.  But, wow, talk about crabby! TPP's favorite SCOTUS justice, Tony Scalia, is in an extremely bad mood!  Just read his blistering, but poorly reasoned, dissents on the ACA and same-sex marriage! You may search a long time before you find two better-written temper tantrums than these. You really get the sense that Scalia thinks he is actually smarter than anyone else and that his opinions should therefore be respected and deferred to. When you find such an attitude in a colleague (and TPP speaks here from experience), you find them insufferable and generally irritating. How can anyone not recognize and appreciate such an intellect? You cannot have a rationale interaction with someone like that. For our general entertainment a contest of bombastic egotism needs to be arranged so that Scalia can square off against someone who is really in his league: Bill O'Really!  This idea and the SCOTUS decisions in general have really cheered TPP up!

Scalia for Pope

The Catholic Church needs a new pope.  When scanning the Catholic world for the right sort of person, the right sort of mentality, one particular name stands out from all the rest: Antonin Scalia.  There are a lot of reasons this just makes good sense.  First, he has the right name.  Second, he has the right look. See how good he looks with red curtains behind him! Three, he likes robes (just add a bit of red to his current costume and you’ve got it.  Fourth, he likes to pontificate.  Fifth, he’s never wrong.  Sixth, in terms of doctrine, he’s consistently conservative, a good quality for a pope, except when he isn’t, which is anytime the citizens of the USA, their laws, the constitution, or the president disagrees with him (see the fourth and fifth reason above).  Seventh, with respect to scripture he’s sure to be a strict originalist (stonings shall return; the Earth is flat, except when he isn’t (see previous reason).  Eighth, his appointment as pope would sure solve a lot of problems for the legal system in the USA and might reverse the decline of The Church in North America (Nah!).  Nineth, an obvious papal name for Scalia exists; can he be named anything other than Pope Justus of Alexandria (VA)  II?  Sounds ready made for him.  Tenth, this is probably the only job he’d rather have than the one he has now.  Eleventy, his concerns for minorities and the downtrodden are legendary, except for helping them vote.  Eleventy-oneth, Scalia already thinks he’s pope.  Let’s all give thanks!  Let the white smoke rise up the chimney!