Field of Science

Alcohol and empty calories

TPP's employer is so concerned about us that healthy missives are circulated among us quite regularly warning about unprotected sex, risky life styles, and the perils of climbing Mt. Everest in just a bath robe and slippers.  Generally TPP treats these missives rather like the sincere, well-meaning, and utterly simple-minded Mormon missionaries that come to your door, and politely send them on their way.  But the latest one shows a total lack of understanding about life that borders on disrespect.  According to the latest health missive, alcoholic beverages are nutritionally empty providing nothing but calories.  A moment, please, TPP must take a sip of bourbon to fortify himself before continuing.  OK health and wellness people, you're only doing your job, but here's a news flash for you.  Alcoholic beverages are not consumed for nutritional reasons, rather they provide not just a taste treat but an important attitude adjustment, a lowering of blood pressure and reducing of stress that is certainly important to healthy living!  The people who take such jobs are always so sincere in their concern, and so dedicated to living the healthiest of lives that seem to wring all enjoyment out of food, drink, and at times it seems, life itself.  Why follow their advice just to live a few hundred extra days in misery?  And if that weren't enough, this missive included a pumpkin pie recipe made from tofu.  Who in ever loving hell expects pumpkin pie to be healthy?  Don't they know that most flavor molecules are lipid soluble?  You don't eat a piece of pie because it's health food, you eat it because it's rich, and decadent, and insanely delicious.  Nothing made of tofu has ever been put in the category of delicious.  Ah, a bit more bourbon.  Yes, bourbon (and here you may substitute your favorite tipple) provides something quite beyond nutrition, something psychologically important, a medicine for good mental,and shall TPP have to say it, health.  So in a final response, let TPP respond, "Providing nothing but empty calories my foot!"  If they want us to pay more attention to their advice, it had better reflect reality more than tofu pumpkin pie.

4 comments:

Justin Tungate said...

Amen. I'm always telling people that I don't understand diet foods and drinks for this very reason. I'd rather eat less of something delicious than a lot of something that's not.

JaneB said...

Smoked tofu is pretty darn tasty... though it's much better marinated with a few lipids, of course, and doesn't belong anywhere NEAR a pumpkin pie!

Sam Chapman said...

Tofu deep fried in pork fat is quite good--even better with burbon.

The Phytophactor said...

What isn't better with bourbon. Is there a bourbon and bacon recipe somewhere?