Essentials of growing grass

The essentials for growing lawn grass are no different that for growing any other green plant: water, soil, mineral nutrients, and light. Basic botany, right? So when people are missing one (or more) of these essentials, no amount of the other two will compensate, and the grass won't grow. This lesson has been lost on person not too distant from TPP's neighborhood. As you can see here, some sparse newly sprouted grass is populating the shade under this tree, but in spite of adequate water (note the sprinklers and rain gauge) and presumably enough nutrients, the grass in this location is not going to grow into a thick, lush lawn; it will remain very sparse until some shade-loving weeds invade (Hello, creeping charlie!). Have you identified the species of tree yet! Well, you should have because it's one of the worst in this area for grass growing. It's a sugar maple, and they are handsome trees; some even have purple foliage. But sugar maples can make both sun leaves, bigger, thicker leaves on the outside of their crown, and shade leaves, somewhat smaller, thinner leaves adapted to the shady inner crown. As a result of this efficient light harvesting the mature crown of a sugar maple can intercept over 90% of the sunlight (figures of up to 96% have been cited) that falls upon the tree. Step under the crown and look up; what percent of the sky in view do you see? Bottom line: your grass won't grow because it is lacking an essential, light. You have no idea how often this turns up, and still sugar maples are touted as a good lawn tree. If you like your sugar maples, and you didn't prune the limbs up high enough to let in some light from the sides, you might as well give up and plant ferns or woodland wildflowers, and even some of them can't deal with shade this dense. Sorry, for the bad news; get over it. And get over the idea that lawns are just grass. If you'd asked 30 years ago, maybe you would have made another choice.

Ediotic Neighbor Update

An update seems in order about a blog about a neighbor, reminded by my link in the previous post, that no subsequent events had been reported and clearly this fellow is clearly unqualified to own a home anywhere but in the bare naked environs of a recently completed suburban development where they grow nothing but grass out of necessity and habit, their lot having most recently been a maize field. My advice at the time was to stick to lawn mowing, and while it is true that my advice seems to have been taken to heart, it is with great dismay to watch as every other landscape plant in the entire yard was removed and replaced with lawn, curb to foundation, fence to fence, a lesson in how to transform an elegant established neighborhood into a barren burb trying to recover from dozer blight. Quite a few residents of this outspoken little community have expressed their displeasure at this destructive display of property rights such that the fellow offered an ediotic defense of the aesthetic delights to be found in a "well-kept" monoculture of grass. The house is like an elegant painting lacking a frame, a gift box without ribbon, a field of grain with a solitary silo arising in the middle, oh, well, that's just what it's like. How aesthetically pleasing.

Tomatoes or grass?

As a youth, one of the characters that lived nearby was always getting us to help with various projects, and invariably we'd ask, "What will we be paid?" And his answer was always something like, "Two bucks and all the grass you can eat." So given the choice, tomatoes or grass, most people don't have to think very long. Thus it is nothing, if not sensible, to use your little bit of Lincolnland to grow tomatoes and other garden produce rather than having a monoculture of grass. Oh, but if you live in the village of Northbrook they may ask you rip out your garden and plant lawn for no other reason than your tomatoes are in front of your house rather than behind it, and some stupid ass has such a stunted aesthetic sense that they think a boring monoculture of grass looks better than a tomato garden. Clearly, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is involved, and what brings more happiness than gardening and picking a vine ripe tomato? Song writer Guy Clark once observed that there are "only two things that money can't buy...and that's true love and home grown tomatoes." At what point does some bureaucratic git decide what is and is not prohibited? A garden need be neither weedy nor ill kept, which is what most lawn appearance ordinances prohibit. Attempts to define weeds as "aliens" will not work to eliminate tomatoes in favor of lawn grasses, since neither are natives, and there are probably more weeds in most lawns than in most kitchen gardens. Surely you can eliminate grass completely and plant annual and perennial ornamentals, and what is more ornamental than big, red fruits? But if the sight of a nice garden really offends, then my suggestion is that the garden be surrounded by a picket fence, lined with sunflowers, and the tomatoes and a machine gun nest camouflaged within, then when neighbors come calling for some tomatoes, or some petition passer comes prowling, both can get what they so richly deserve. Why next they'll be wanting gardeners to sit in the back of buses, step off sidewalks to make way for lawn mowers, and to eat plastic, store-bought tomatoes! Hmm, a couple of those tomatoes have a spot or two on them and are beginning to rot. We'll have to throw them away, tonight.

Lawn care and OCB

The Phactor has lectured you at length about the terrible things that happen when the object of your desires is a monoculture of grass. Indeed, it appears that one of the foibles of grass-only lawn care is the development of a full-blown obsessive-compulsive behavior. And that starts with B which rhymes with G and that stands for GUN, and what is the use of having one if you don’t use it? Can we not at least agree that shooting a neighbor because their dog urinated on your lawn is improper if not uncivil lawn care? At least the dog was not shot, blameless as it was for doing what was expected when out on a walk, and when you got to go, you go. So the lesson here is obvious. Do not walk your dog past properties where the lawn is perfect because the owner is likely a mental case and should your shadow fall upon a blade causing an asymmetry it might ruin the whole boring aesthetic. And out here in Lincolnland that is a hanging offense, but since that might break a perfect branch out of your carefully nurtured Bradford pear, not the strongest tree to begin with, shooting is the best thing of your landscape. Hope you are all looking forward to that next seminar on lawn care to be held down at the Cook County jail.

Ecological lawn care

The Phactor is an excellent source for advice on lawn care.

Lesson 1: Nothing is duller or more uninteresting than a monoculture of grass! This is a basic principle from which all else follows logically. Grassy lawns are such simple ecosystems they require a constant input to maintain, while if sufficiently ignored they will reach a more complex state of stability. A visitor to my spacious estate once asked how lawn weeds were managed in the shadier areas? Simple, they are left alone, of course, some are only weeds when in a lawn (scilla, spring beauty, bluebells, trillium)(see photo). My lawn ecosystem forms a green expanse, so what does it matter if the

chloroplasts are housed within a grass or creeping Charlie?

Lesson 2: Minimize lawn area. You can’t eat grass, so transform as much lawn as possible into gardens. Big beds of perennials will relieve lawn boredom and in the long run take much less work. You’ll be able to trade in that big honking Peterbilt riding lawn mower (you need the exercise of walking anyways) for a funky garden bench with a matching table upon which to place your margarita.

Lesson 3: Never, ever fertilize your lawn! Nutrients just make the grass grow and then you have to mow it. It’s a nasty cycle.

Lesson 4: Never, ever water your lawn! Didn’t you get the idea of Lesson 3? Don’t be a slow learner; the idea is to avoid mowing. Besides grass is supposed to turn brown and go dormant in hot, dry summers. Your neighbors probably don’t know this and they would appreciate the information. Lead by example; suburbia will raise a statue (or is that a statute?) in your honor.

Lesson 5: The plant diversity of your lawn and gardens is directly correlated with your IQ. This goes without saying, and it explains why lawn monoculturalists are so difficult to teach.

Lesson 6: Start writing a book. If anyone complains about your minimalist lawn care, simply counter by saying, with a slightly affected tone, “My book writing doesn’t leave time for things like lawn care.” This immediately puts the complainer on the defensive; what have they ever written? This has been working for the Phactor for about 10 years now and counting (hope my editor doesn’t see this).

Lesson 7: Plant lots of trees. Grass doesn’t grow well under trees so you can plant ferns and shady wildflowers and never, ever mow again. But don’t throw that old lawnmower away; they are pretty useful for chopping up leaves each fall which you apply as mulch.

Coming soon to this blog. How to get sponsorship for your gardening blog.